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2017 Last-Minute Gift Guide

Christopher Locke

Ladies and Gentlemen (and everyone else) it's that time of year again!  NOW is the time when you are socially obligated to spend whatever money you have left in order to perpetuate the commercialization of religion.


And so you have to buy some stuff.  But you don't know what to buy.  Relax.  We've got your back here at SPLOTCH!  It's the gift guide that gives and gives and gives.  Here's how it works:  Splotch gives the ideas, you give the stuff, Amazon gives me money.  It's super easy, even when you're shopping for people who aren't.


If a car chase and a mix tape had a baby, the baby would be the best soundtrack since O Brother.

While you're listening to Baby Driver, and ripping around town, make your own movie with this dashcam.  I just installed this in my own ride, and already caught some crazy stuff.

Keep your devices plugged in properly with this set of super-long iPhone cables.  I've got these cables plugged in everywhere.  They're great.

Don't let hunger get in the way of your good time.  Haribo is the best.  Don't you deserve the best?

Everybody needs a good-looking fat uncle shirt.  I really like this one.  The hibiscus blossoms say "Casual Friday" but the black and grey says "let's not get carried away."

If you're going to cut loose, do it with a pair of sturdy scissors.

I always carry one of these.  Always.

I also keep a flashlight in my pocket at all times.  This one uses a single battery you can find anywhere.

This book is the funniest thing I have seen in years.  I don't even know where to begin trying to describe it.  There's plenty of R-rated things in here, so don't buy it for your kids.  On the other hand, maybe you want to buy it for your brother's kids.

After a day of loud music, car chases, gold bears, and laughing myself into a stupor, sleep comes easy with a little white noise.  This white noise generator is totally analog.  No speakers.  It's just a fan in a cover, and it makes a beautiful consistent sound that helps drown out the rest of the world.


That's the gift guide.  Click something.  Buy it.  Give it away.  Fulfill your cultural obligations.

Spotted at a Texas Convenience Store

Christopher Locke

Recently, I had the pleasure of shopping at a convenience store in Paris, Texas.  Here are some highlights:

Angry Owl salt and pepper holder.  WHO doesn't like salt?  WHO?  WHOOOOO?

How tough do you have to be to pull off this skeleton chopper salt & pepper holder?  "RRRAAARRRGGHGHGHH i like salt."

Yo quiero salt.

Chow chow to chew chew before you upchuck chuck.

Yee Haw!  When I get done pannin' fer gold up in them that hills, I'm gunna drink me a big ol' bottle o' MERLOT!

What's worse, this mannequin with no torso, or the American Sniper hats?

Yee Haw!  When I get done bein' a symbol fer Merican freedom, I'm gunna drink me a big ol' bottle o' MERLOT!

This looks delicious.

Seriously.  Enough with the salt and pepper holders.


1976 Yamaha RD400

Christopher Locke

This 2-stroke motorcycle is perfection on wheels.  It's a loud, stinky, dirty, lightweight wheelie machine.  I've never ridden such a fun bike.  Any time I went on a group ride, I had to stay in the back of the pack, because the oily exhaust was too much for my friends.  Eventually, the maintenance became too much for me, and I gave it up to make room for a bike that didn't need any work.  Now it's my soul that's broken down.